i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
