There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
