she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
