Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
