And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
