; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I am available for nakedness
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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