i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
