Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize