So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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