What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
