god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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