Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize