Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i will never coherently bang her
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
