I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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