I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
