remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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