Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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