Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
