No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
pop tarts are not kleenex
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
