i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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