I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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