so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
