he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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