I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize
