I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
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