Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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