I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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