then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
