my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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