Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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