somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
