drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
