At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
