let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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