just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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