someone threw a dead crab at me
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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