Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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