I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
