If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
