got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
