I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
