My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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