yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
