The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize