hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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