my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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