I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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