i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
