so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My vagina is officially offended.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
