Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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