Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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