someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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