apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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