I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
as a side note pls kill me
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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