I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I see more hoeing in ur future
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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