he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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