Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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