I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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