We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
