Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
