speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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