Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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